Adım Zehra Betül hz. meryem ve hz .fatımanın lakaplarını taşıyorum.
Zehra;
arapça kökenli bir bayan
Betül ;
1. Bakire. 2. Erkekten çekinen, erkeklere yaklaşmayan namuslu kadın. 3. Ayrı kök salan fidan. 4. Hz. Meryem'in lakabı. 5. Hz. Muhammed (s.a.s)'in kızı Hz. Fatıma'nın lakabı.
Çocuğun babası üzerindeki haklarından biri isimdir.Güzel isimler bunun için Allah razı olsun.İsmin ağırlığından bahsederler.Kişinin taşıyamayacağından.Doğru mu yanlış mı bilmem ama
cennetle mücdelenmiş iki ismin lakabını taşımak manevi olarak ağır geliyor bana.Layık olmak meselesi beni düşündürüyor.Her anlamda onların yaşayışıyla ilgili.Ancak yapacak birşey yok.
Neden bundan bahsettiğime gelince bilmiyorum sadece kendimi düşündüğüm için sanırım...Dünya yaşam olaylar insanlar ve insanların içinde ben...Kendimi küçük hissetmemle ilgili aslında herşey.
Varoluş sebebi.Ne kadar bilsemde.Bilmediğimi biliyorum.Her canlının göreceği bir kronoloji içindeyim sadece doğmak yaşamak ölmek.Öldüğüm vakit sorularım cevap alır belki ama almazsa da rahata ereceğime eminim.İsyan değil belki pes etmek...Adını koyamadığım bir duygu içimdeki.Aramak ve bulmak.Nerden başlamalı ki.Doğru yolda mı peki?İnsanlar neden bu kadar rahat
biliyorlar mı herşeyi.Yada bilmemek rahatsız etmiyor mu?Etmiyorsa mutluluk ne onlar için?Ben neden her mutluluğumun arkasında ciddiyet ve sona bağlama sorumluluğu taşıyorum peki?Sorunlu muyum acaba?
Çilek kokusu, çikolataanın ağızda erimesi,yağmur ve ıslanan topraklar,ağaçlar,gölge,sadece küçük bir yerinde ömrümün geçtiği ve biteceği dünya.Nehirler denizler yağmur ormanları adalar.İsmini bildiğim ve bilmediğim tüm hayvanlar,tadına baktığım müzikler enstrümanlar,sesler...yansımalar ,var olmayan renkler,sevgi duygusu,nefret duygusu kin kıskançlık özlem acıma şefkat merhamet utanç pişmanlık kızgınlık güven duygusu,emin olma duygusu,yarım kalmışlık hissi,sevinç...Yaşadığım 23 sene boyunca aldığım tüm tadlar...Sonunda tüm bu birikimlerim ve bende yaşattığı hisler.Kelime karşılığı olmayan hisler.Henüz bilinmedği için mi yoksa boşverilen anlam verilmesi insanlığa gerekmeyen hisler mi.?yoksa yaratıcı tarafından bilinmesi istenmeyen hisler mi?Soru işaretleri...Çok canımı sıkıyorlar.Umarım kafayı bozmadan önce giderim buralardan...
please god help me!!!
(metallica,one)
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